As we all can see, the vampires wave have hit the world really hard for the past few years. This trend causes a lot of young people to turn gothic. No more little kids dressing up as Nick Carters or Justin Timberlakes. Everybody wants to bring out this emo side of them where the more mysterious you look the better. Dark eyeliners and empty stares are the in things at the moment. I've tried to do this once, but I just couldn't get past the part where I have to apply the eyeliners. There's something about poking your eye with a pencil that makes me go "whaddaeff". I can't even wear contact lenses due to this phobia. I ended up doing this.

I'm a wuss. I know.

It was well documented that vampires can only be killed with a stake through the heart, mass burning or just by cutting the poor little thing's head off. If I was the one who were asked to be responsible to do any of those three things, I think I'd be the one who's dead instead. The stake MUST go through the heart for goodness sake. I didn't take biology in school so I wouldn't know where the heart is located. It's not like their body is transparent or something where it would be easier for me to aim for the inner parts. Even if it is transparent, I still wouldn't know how to differentiate between the heart and the lung or the pancreas or whatever. And who would know if the transcripts about the heart staking is meant to be a metaphor. The heart may refer to our inner heart and by staking it metaphorically would make it clean and pure. So heart staking might as well be persuading the vampires to do good deeds and all.

So, the question is why aren't there any other way to kill vampires. Vampires are like mosquitoes. Mosquitoes suck our blood and spread diseases. But they can be killed in multiple ways.We can use the conventional method of slapping the mosquitoes with our palms. We can deep fry them, poke a stick through their orifices and make mosquito kebabs. We can gently catch them by their wings and start plucking off their limbs one by one. We can put them inside washing machines and turn on the regular wash mode. We can wrap them in firecrackers and light them up during Hari Raya. Or we can apply what the bodybuilder in our local Shieldtox ads do which is by using his fist. (By the way, I still don't get it. How does he do it anyway?)

Vampires cannot go out during daytime because they can be burned by the UV rays. So can we just bring a portable Ultraviolet lamp and start shoving it to their face until they suffer from Sixth-degree Burning which is always fatal? Or we can tie them up and put them inside a huge blender. Hit the start button and see those freaks being liquidized into a pitful of Slurpee. Will they still be survive then? If that also fails, we could catapult them into the orbits and let them suffocate from the lack of oxygen in the outerspace. Every organism needs oxygen. I don't think the vampires are evolved enough to be able to perform photsynthesis to compensate for the lack of breathable air.

And if everything fails, we could always strap a headphone on their heads and start playing Justin Bieber's "Baby, baby, baby oohh" on repeat until they decide to kill themselves.


1. The Sequel Factor

  From left to right: Midget, pedophile, legend.

What do Star Wars, The Lord of the Rings, Twilight, Sembilu and Evolusi KL Drift have in common?

Even though Darth Vader, Edward Cullen and Gollum may protest about being mentioned in the same breath of those films, they still share one particular characteristic with Awie and Diana Danielle (she's smoking hot, ok?) that cements their box-office success. No, it's not because of their good looks. If I haven't included Edward Cullen, that point may still be arguable. Darth Vader's helmet looks good. But, Edward Cullen. Seriously? Even Gollum looks better than him for goodness sake.
Hot gile kan?
Yeah, some of you guys may have guessed it right. All four of them have sequels. The Lord of the Rings came in a trilogy package. Star Wars started off with a trilogy and followed it up with another trilogy of prequels. This would cause the audience to flock in millions to the cinemas after years of anticipation for a sequel. Film producers know this. They always keep an open ending in their films to allow some possibility for a sequel in the future. Even my childhood guilty pleasure "Silat Lagenda" did it. Although its sequel never seem to quite materialize, it basically shows how every producer loves sequels. More films equals to more money. Whether it's more money received or more money spent, I don't really want to know.

This brings me to 2 Alam. I know the storyline and the script can be improved should they do another sequel. They can hire new scriptwriters and directors. They can go urban with the cinematography. They can invest more on CGI. Heck, even the whole casts can undergo a total makeover in order to attract more audience. They can even change the whole theme from a faggotry based film to a horror psycopathic serial killer movie while keeping the franchise name intact. Imagine a serial killer having to live 2 lives due to his Multiple Personality Disorder. A little bit like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. That would surely make a good storyline.

But the question now is, how would Datuk Dr Rozmey name the sequel?

2 Alam 2?
2 Alam II?
II Alam 2?
II Alam II?

That would just be pure awesome. They sound like a bunch of policemen interacting with each other using walkie-talkies. "Bola 1 ke bola 2, over". "Roger and out". Even the way each letter is crafted possesses their own aestethical value. Mirror image or palindromic, you decide.

2. The Datuk Dr Rozmey Factor

Richard Zanuck once stated, "The producer is like the conductor of an orchestra. Maybe he can't play every instrument, but he knows what every instrument should sound like." If that's so, then Datuk Dr Rozmey is definitely one hell of a talented dude. His personality ticks every check box that is needed to be a successful film producer. 

White suit on dark background. Way to emphasize on yourself.

Datuk Dr Rozmey surely can play every instrument. He can even be the face of his own marketing strategy. Who needs expensive models when you have Datuk Dr Rozmey. No one can sport the white suit and rock it the way he did. 

A man in bow ties can hold anything pink.

And then the bow tie. Effing marvelous. As we all know, only uber-cool people would dare to use bow ties. According to the Wikipedia, bow ties originated from Croatian mercenaries of the 17th century. And we know that Croatians are super awesome. Nikola Tesla arrived in the States from Croatia before wreaking havoc among the Engineering students all around the world nowadays with his findings. The Guinness World Records for "The longest distance traveled by moonwalking" is also held by a Croatian. This just goes to show how wicked Croatia is.

3. The Thumb-ups Factor

I don't know if you guys have learned about the term "subliminal messaging" before. Basically, it works by flashing a few visual images for a few miliseconds before our brain can process them. However, Datuk Dr Rozmey upgraded this technique in order to provide us with a better and more effective way of manipulating human brains. Instead of flashing the images for a miniscule amount of time, he simply put the picture out in the papers and magazines and let the audience decide by themselves on how long are they going to stare at the picture.

By giving this flexibility factor towards the audience, we will consequently start developing a strong sense of trust towards Datuk Dr Rozmey. After finding out that we have been manipulated by Freemasonry and the Illuminati through the quickie image method for all this while, I have became more careful in what I choose to look at. Every picture is examined meticulously in order to find the possible Masonic signs. But after spending 5 days and 13 hours analyzing this picture trying to find these evil signs, I found NOTHING.

I've wasted 133 hours on this.

Except for the fact that it made me think that Datuk Dr Rozmey is an awesome person. That's when I realized. This is exactly what Datuk Dr Rozmey has planned all along. He intentionally misdirected me to look for those Illuminati related signs so that I will spend hundreds of hours looking at him giving the thumb-ups in each one of his photos. Thumb-ups mean good. Good means awesome.  

Datuk Dr Rozmey = Awesome

How did I miss that? Reverse psychology to its max. Datuk Dr Rozmey is superb indeed.

4. The Wingdings Factor

Inspired from the article about the Wingdings equivalent for the flight number of the plane that hit the World Trade Centre translates into an image of a plane hitting twin towers accompanied with the Star of David, I decided to try typing 2 Alam down into my Microsoft Office Word 2007.

Holy shit!

Basically this signifies that if we watch "2 Alam" (pair of glasses), we will find out that it is extremely fantastic (2 thumbs-up) and would make us extremely happy (smiley face). After watching the film, we will be able to consider ourselves as champions (cup) because only champions would want to watch this film. It is in our nature. A film made by champions for champions. We all are born to be winners. The losers can go hate all they want because they know that they can never be champions like us!