As usual, every time there is a price hike for petrol, we will get to see a lot of Facebook groups being created just to show their protests on this issue. And usually this page will be swamped with curses from retards with limited vocabulary since the only English words they know for cursing are "FUCKS" and "SUCKS". If you want to curse at least try to be creative. And I don't even rate "SUCKS" as a derogatory word anyway. It might be caused by my constant exposure to much worse profanity. I blame 4chan for that.

What's wrong with us Malaysians. Always get emotional over these sort of things. We always see the negativity in everything. Nobody even bothers to look at the bright side. When there were talks about the construction of Menara Warisan, nobody cares about the potential economic growth spurt that it may provide. All that they know is that it is a proper waste of government's money. When there were talks about teaching Science and Maths in English, everybody went against it because they don't want their kids to have a better command in English than them. If their kids know "FUCKS" and "SUCKS", it's already good enough - dah kira international standard already kan?

Is it because of our cultural upbringing that we were not programmed to see all the good stuff? I don't really know. Therefore, here I would like to point out to all of the retards the justifications for this rise in petrol price.

1. Global Oil Depletion

Even my little brother knows that petroleum are non-renewable energy resources. If any of you still don't have any idea what this is all about, you need to go back to Primary Four and read the Kajian Tempatan text book. Basically, it involves the heating of ancient fossilized organic materials for millions of years. And that is what the oil companies are digging right now. Something that took millions of years to be developed. Antique 1000-year-old shits would sell for millions these days. We should consider ourselves lucky that petroleum is not being sold at 1000 times that price. Ha ha ha.

These poor bastards committed suicide just for our cars.

Currently, the world consumption of oil is at 80 million barrels DAILY. A barrel here is equal to more or less 160 litres. Imagine spending 12.8 billion litres of oil everyday. Surely, we will come to a point where the wells dry up right? With a decreased quantity of reserve oil, the price will surely increases. Basic law of supply and demand. Therefore, we will experience the increase in price for petrol bit by bit to balance up the book. And what can we do to stop this price increase? Nothing. The price will keep increasing even if you switch to solar-powered vehicles. The price will increase even if you build your own oil rig on the Moon.

Heck, the price will still increase even if you genetically engineered yourself to be able to pee some petrol, sneeze some diesel and poo some liquid crude oil. It's the law of economics. Even the law of nature can't mess with the law of economics.

2. Reduces the Number of Mat Rempits

Majority of the Mat Rempits don't have much money because they consist of mainly school kids and the unemployed bastards. With the increase in oil price, these scums will surely have to cut their spendings on giving their bikes some fuel right? Therefore, there will be less illegal racing tournaments on the road. Things that go on a nightly basis will turn into a weekend event only. No more annoying noise from the cheap bikes as well.

A typical day for the professional mat rempits.

Besides that, the increase in oil price will also increase the price for cigarettes. And these scums smoke a lot. One pack of cigarettes may cost up to RM15. That amount of money is more than enough to buy Choki-Choki to curb their addiction. So, due to the lack of money, they will also cut on their smoking so that their lungs will be able to function correctly. This shows that despite all of the problems caused by the mat rempits, our government still show some mercy and devise a plan on how to mend these kids.

3. Alternative Mode of Transportation

Current fuel-powered vehicles suck up a huge portion of global daily petroleum consumption. Instead of complaining about how our money was all used up to feed our cars as if they were living things, why can't we just switch our mode of transportation into the one that does not consume fuel. No, I'm not talking about public transportation here. Some of us may think it's not classy to be seen in a bus or an LRT. And even buses and taxis consume fuel. The only effect that public transportations bring is the carpooling effect, which is to reduce the amount of fuel consumption by reducing the number of vehicles on the road. But still, the fuel consumption is there and it would still eat up the depleting oil reserve.

Therefore, we can do what our ancestors do. Use animals as a mode of transportation. Ride on a horse, a pony or a sleigh pulled by dogs. And if you're feeling a bit Islamic, you can ride on camels as well. That would be totally awesome. Hang plate numbers on their necks or just stamp plate numbers on their butts. Sure, JPJ would have a lot of job to do for the new database, but for the long term, this is a wicked plan.

Who needs luxury cars when we have this creature.

We can also pimp our rides up like they do on motorbikes nowadays. Add some sunglasses on our rides. Buy them shoes. Equip them with portable potties. Anything. Only your creativity level would be able to limit your achievements. There will be no more harmful emission that will destroy our ozone. Though our rides may fart sometimes, it won't affect our ozone much. Therefore, this will also help protect our Earth for the future generations. We should thank our goverment for this two-pronged effect.

4. Promotes Healthier Lifestyle


With the increase in oil price, other products will also need to increase their price as well. Sugar, salt, chicken and co would be so expensive that we would have to adopt a healthy diet. A lot of Malaysians suffer from obesity and diabetes. And by "a lot", I really mean a lot. Everytime I look in the mirror, I would see an obese. Ha ha ha.

Therefore, to solve this problem, we could try to start our own vegetable field at the back of our home. For the ones who live in flats or apartments, we could buy hidroponic sets and start planting the veggies. We could also start to breed our own chickens and cows as well if you can't eat veggies. This will surely make our Earth greener and release a lot of fresh oxygen into air due to the photosynthesis process that our veggies do. This will result in a super generation where everything that we consume is organic and will increase our average lifespan by approximately 7.2 years.

When I said green veggies, I didn't mean marijuana.

5. Leads to the Construction of Dino Farms

However, if we still want to consume petrols, there is no other way to go around it except for constructing some Dino Farms. As we all know, petroleum are formed from the fossils of these ancient creatures. Therefore, in these farms, we will take some stem cells from the dinosaur fossils in the National Museum and start cloning them in masses. These dinosaurs can also be sold at high price for Point Number 3. Imagine having a T-Rex as a ride. That would be very intimidating.

Jesus on dinosaurs would be even more intimidating.

Anyway, in this farm, the dinosaurs would be grown for a few years, nurtured with healthy food and after a while we can slaughter them to death. Afterwards, we can bury them under the ground and let them turn into petroleum after 3 million years. 3 million years is a really long time but the wise people always remind us to plan one step ahead. So, basically if you plan for 3 million steps ahead, you are 3 million times smarter than these stupid wise men. Ha ha ha.

In conclusion, we can say that the increase in oil price is not a huge problem like people assume. The bigger problem is on how to train our dinosaurs like we train our domestic pets. This clever plan may backfire if these dinosaurs suddenly decide to rip our heads off. I think that would deserve more worries than the oil price. 

DINOSAURS FTW.


Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.

Who would not know these superheroes. I'm quite certain that all of this blog readers have watched this somewhere in their life. Being the 80's kids and stuff. The Power Rangers were like the most kick-ass bunch of youths that spend their free time kicking the monsters in the ass. I bet their daily conversation would be

Zack: Hey Jason, I'm bored. Let's go kill some monsters.
Jason: Hold on, Zordon just took a poo. Let me clean up his excrements first.
Zack: Just leave it there dude. Alpha can take care of that.
Alpha: Aye-yi-yi-yi-yi

I'm pretty sure that if 20% of the world's teenage population follow these guys footsteps, there will be no more juvenile crimes. No more 'mat rempit's, druggies and 'budak-budak perasan indie' making a fool out of themselves. But it would increase the amount of cosplayers though. Quite annoying, I must say.

I've always watched the Power Rangers together with my cousins. We would then fight over who among us would be the Red Ranger. Red Ranger is like the coolest alpha male among the bunch. Everyone wants to be one. Of course my female cousin would get to pick Pink and one unfortunate male cousin would pick the Yellow one. In the end, I always ended up being the Blue Ranger just because Billy wears glasses. It's too bad being the only kid with glasses at 7. Being discriminated even at such a young age sucks. Ugh.

The bespectacled Ranger.

I have to admit that watching Power Rangers had taught me a lot during my childhood time. Here are some of the lessons that I have learnt.

1. Red is the Strongest Colour in the World

Almost every generation of Power Rangers were led by the Red Rangers. The Red Rangers will always be the ones who stand in the centre of the group, commanding their teammates with impulsive winning strategies, taking all the limelight. They would also be the ones who have the coolest weapon and robots. Jason, the first Red Ranger got a Tyrannosaurus Dinozord, a carnivorous and fierce looking dinosaur which can rip other dinosaur's heart out with its sharp claw.

Tyrannosaurus Dinozord in action.

And what did I get? The fat, herbivorous, sissy Triceratops who has three dicks on its head. I know. It sucks to be me. Those were the times when I'd like to save up some of my duit raya for a quick laser surgery.

This is me. No, seriously, this IS me.

2. Morphine is a Drug

When I was little, I always wonder what does morphin in Mighty Morphin Power Rangers actually mean. I know nothing about English at that time and I don't even know that Morphin is the shorter form for 'morphing'. The closest word that I've got in my dictionary was morphine. So I thought it was the same thing.

This is the morphine that Jason used.

Then I started telling my classmates that the Power Rangers use some sort of drug in their Power Morphers. If we got these drugs and smear them on coins, we will be able to make our own Power Morphers. And they all would just believe me. I'm such a bastard. Ha ha ha. Imagine the look on my Dad's face when I asked my Dad with an innocent look to buy me some morphine so that I can turn into a Power Ranger.

And I still remember that the theme song for the Power Rangers went like "Go go go Power Rangers, go go Power Rangers, Mighty *bzz* *bzz* Power Rangerrrrssss". Who ever said that Malaysian censorship is awful? This is just genius, man.

3. Humans Are Made From soil


Remember these guys?

Touch our chests and we will burst in pieces.

They are called Putty Patrollers and act as the soldiers of the villains. I don't think they were created to do some damage on the Power Rangers. They were more like the punching bags just so that the Power Rangers can warm up before the real fight. See, the villains are not that bad you know. Without warming up, the Power Rangers can hurt themselves while doing all those acrobatic moves.

However, the thing is, these Putties were created by Finster using some soil-like materials in his machine. This made me believe that human beings were created from soil as well. And that is long before my ustazah taught me this fact in school. So, it is safe to say that the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers syllabus is much more advanced than the one that I learnt during my Fardhu 'Ain class. Ha ha ha.

4. The Villains Are Not That Bad

I have discussed this issue among my mates in school before (you guys know who you are) and we can conclude that the villains are kind hearted. I mean, we know that they have prepared the Putties as warming up materials for the Power Rangers right? There are a lot of other things that the villains have done to ensure that the Power Rangers would win.

These guys are adorable.

These include:

i. Sending down a miniature version of the monster before growing them up in the end of the show. They could always send down giant monsters and crush the human-form Power Rangers with their feet right? But they won't. "That wouldn't be fair", they said.

ii. Letting the monsters wait for a few minutes while the Dinozords disassemble their mechanical parts slowly in order to combine to form a Thunderzord. They could just smash the robots in small pieces during this process. Or worse, they could take a few bolts and screws during the transformation so that the Thunderzord would be an unbalanced, shaky piece of junk. But they won't. "That wouldn't be fair", they said.

iii. Attacking the same city again and again even though they know that the Power Rangers Headquarters is located over there. They could always attack multiple cities around the world at the same time right? They have got the resources. Their monsters are abundant. Send down 255 monsters to all countries in this world and what would the Power Rangers do? They have only got five people. But again, they won't. "That wouldn't be fair", they said.

So, basically, what Power Rangers have taught me is that we need to support Liverpool, we need to do drugs, we need to skip Fardhu' Ain classes and we need to be thankful to the villains. No wonder I have became the man that I am right now. Ha ha ha.

David Yost, who played the Blue Ranger on the hugely successful kids series Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers, recently admitted that he was discriminated against over his sexuality. The actor, now 41, says he quit the show because he was harassed. “I was called ‘faggot’ one too many times [by the show’s] creators, producers, writers, directors,” he shared. David added, “I know that my costars were called in a couple of times to different producers’ offices and questioned about my sexuality, which is kind of a humiliating experience to find that out.”


HE'S GAY? I'M SO DOOMED.


Justin Bieber is being helped by a vocal coach to handle his puberty alerts on his vocal cords. His is struggling to his puberty voice breaking. Justin Bieber has hired one if the best vocal coach called Jan Smith. Jan Smith had also helped Usher handle is puberty vocal cords.

“Justin is physically developing at a slower rate than most guys so his voice is only breaking now. He’s working with the best in the business, a specialist called Jan Smith, to make sure he gets s much vocal rest as humanly possible for a working pop star," says a source.
 

I vividly remember the time I reached my puberty. I was probably the slowest grower in my class. At Form 2 I still stood at 143 cm. My voice was still like a chipmunk version of chipmunks. While my friends around me develop their adult voice, I was still chirping at high pitch. Somewhere deep down inside, I envy those people. That's because no one takes a kid with a kiddie voice seriously. Justin Bieber himself can assure you that. Ha ha ha.

And then 2002 came. That was the year of the boy bands. There was this boy band called "Blue" that I really fancied at that time. I always sing their songs in the shower and one day while I was singing to "Fly By", my voice cracked at Lee Ryan's "After daaaaaaaarkkkkkkkk!!!" part. Not those typical cracks that you sporadically encounter when conversing. It was a really massive hell of a crack that made my mom shouted "My kid is all grown up" from the kitchen. Then one thing led to another. My voice got deeper and deeper and deeper that it even freaked my little brother out when I talked to him on the phone.

Anywho, there are talks that puberty will be the downfall of Justin Bieber. Deep voice, facial hair and all that. Well, I don't really think that is going to be true though. Puberty is an awesome phase to go through. Instead of marking the downfall, it may even be the platform to rise that kid to ultimate stardom. And here are the reasons why.

1. Expanding the Market Reach

We all know that Justin Bieber's music is currently targeted towards the pre-pubescent teens. Clean cut image and the hairstye clearly prove that. However, with the puberty factor, Justin Bieber can tap other market. I would suggest the Cougar and MILF demographics. These people are the one who have money. Teens tend to milk the money out of their parents. Sometimes, when the parents are strict enough, they might not give their children the money needed to buy the new Justin Bieber's CD. There goes your potential sale.

This is not a cougar.

However, with the Cougars and the MILFs joining in the market, we can guarantee a consistent inflow of money because they handle their own spending budgets. They can go buy anything Bieber related if they want. They have got their own career and their own money. Besides, most Cougars are lonely inside after being treated badly by the older guys. This is when Justin Bieber could come into the picture, showing them what kids can do to make these people go "Hell yeah! I'd take that little kid on a little date".

Win win situation.

Cougars: One less lonely old girl who needs somebody to love.
Bieber: Another notch on the bedpost.
  
2. Statistics don't lie

Stats have shown that there are more people who become more successful after puberty than before reaching puberty. Duh. What did Bill Gates do before reaching puberty? Writing a tic-tac-toe program that no one gives a shit. After reaching puberty? He came up with Windows and became a billionaire so freaking bad (I can't help but to put the last 3 words). 

A mugshot of Bill Gates for traffic violation.

And how about Susan Boyle. Before reaching puberty she was a living speciment of an invisible woman. No one noticed her and no one wanted to. After reaching puberty, the table turned. She became an overnight internet sensation selling millions of records and suddenly every guy in the world want to make babies with her. The same thing can be said to other well known figures such as Nelson Mandela, George W. Bush, Soulja Boy and the whole crew of Far East Movement.

It can also happen to Justin Bieber so he should look forward to puberty.

3. The Reproduction Factor

Puberty means reaching enough physical maturity to begin the reproduction process of our species. Therefore, by reaching puberty, Justin Bieber can spread his seeds towards the whole world and create a worldwide generation of Bieber clones. These generation of Biebers can be utilized for marketing the father Bieber's albums and singles by performing those songs at any place in the world at the same time. This will surely create the Bieberfever 2.0 where every girl will get a chance to have their own Bieber. And these Biebers will reproduce and create Bieberfever 3.0 until the whole world is flooded with Biebers. Imagine having a neighbour who looks like a Bieber. Or even worse, imagine having a father who looks like a Bieber.

This multiplication of Biebers will bring us to the Biebers world domination and we will all be ruled by the Biebers. Every morning all of us will be forced to sing "Baby baby baby ohh" while the not-so-fair skinned demographics will be responsible to do the Ludacris part.


Trust me because I've got this perfect plan from a friend of mine who works with the Freemason thingy.

WE ARE SO SCREWED.


As we all can see, the vampires wave have hit the world really hard for the past few years. This trend causes a lot of young people to turn gothic. No more little kids dressing up as Nick Carters or Justin Timberlakes. Everybody wants to bring out this emo side of them where the more mysterious you look the better. Dark eyeliners and empty stares are the in things at the moment. I've tried to do this once, but I just couldn't get past the part where I have to apply the eyeliners. There's something about poking your eye with a pencil that makes me go "whaddaeff". I can't even wear contact lenses due to this phobia. I ended up doing this.

I'm a wuss. I know.

It was well documented that vampires can only be killed with a stake through the heart, mass burning or just by cutting the poor little thing's head off. If I was the one who were asked to be responsible to do any of those three things, I think I'd be the one who's dead instead. The stake MUST go through the heart for goodness sake. I didn't take biology in school so I wouldn't know where the heart is located. It's not like their body is transparent or something where it would be easier for me to aim for the inner parts. Even if it is transparent, I still wouldn't know how to differentiate between the heart and the lung or the pancreas or whatever. And who would know if the transcripts about the heart staking is meant to be a metaphor. The heart may refer to our inner heart and by staking it metaphorically would make it clean and pure. So heart staking might as well be persuading the vampires to do good deeds and all.

So, the question is why aren't there any other way to kill vampires. Vampires are like mosquitoes. Mosquitoes suck our blood and spread diseases. But they can be killed in multiple ways.We can use the conventional method of slapping the mosquitoes with our palms. We can deep fry them, poke a stick through their orifices and make mosquito kebabs. We can gently catch them by their wings and start plucking off their limbs one by one. We can put them inside washing machines and turn on the regular wash mode. We can wrap them in firecrackers and light them up during Hari Raya. Or we can apply what the bodybuilder in our local Shieldtox ads do which is by using his fist. (By the way, I still don't get it. How does he do it anyway?)

Vampires cannot go out during daytime because they can be burned by the UV rays. So can we just bring a portable Ultraviolet lamp and start shoving it to their face until they suffer from Sixth-degree Burning which is always fatal? Or we can tie them up and put them inside a huge blender. Hit the start button and see those freaks being liquidized into a pitful of Slurpee. Will they still be survive then? If that also fails, we could catapult them into the orbits and let them suffocate from the lack of oxygen in the outerspace. Every organism needs oxygen. I don't think the vampires are evolved enough to be able to perform photsynthesis to compensate for the lack of breathable air.

And if everything fails, we could always strap a headphone on their heads and start playing Justin Bieber's "Baby, baby, baby oohh" on repeat until they decide to kill themselves.


JUSTIN BIEBER SAVES US ALL.

1. The Sequel Factor

  From left to right: Midget, pedophile, legend.

What do Star Wars, The Lord of the Rings, Twilight, Sembilu and Evolusi KL Drift have in common?

Even though Darth Vader, Edward Cullen and Gollum may protest about being mentioned in the same breath of those films, they still share one particular characteristic with Awie and Diana Danielle (she's smoking hot, ok?) that cements their box-office success. No, it's not because of their good looks. If I haven't included Edward Cullen, that point may still be arguable. Darth Vader's helmet looks good. But, Edward Cullen. Seriously? Even Gollum looks better than him for goodness sake.
 
Hot gile kan?
 
Yeah, some of you guys may have guessed it right. All four of them have sequels. The Lord of the Rings came in a trilogy package. Star Wars started off with a trilogy and followed it up with another trilogy of prequels. This would cause the audience to flock in millions to the cinemas after years of anticipation for a sequel. Film producers know this. They always keep an open ending in their films to allow some possibility for a sequel in the future. Even my childhood guilty pleasure "Silat Lagenda" did it. Although its sequel never seem to quite materialize, it basically shows how every producer loves sequels. More films equals to more money. Whether it's more money received or more money spent, I don't really want to know.

This brings me to 2 Alam. I know the storyline and the script can be improved should they do another sequel. They can hire new scriptwriters and directors. They can go urban with the cinematography. They can invest more on CGI. Heck, even the whole casts can undergo a total makeover in order to attract more audience. They can even change the whole theme from a faggotry based film to a horror psycopathic serial killer movie while keeping the franchise name intact. Imagine a serial killer having to live 2 lives due to his Multiple Personality Disorder. A little bit like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. That would surely make a good storyline.

But the question now is, how would Datuk Dr Rozmey name the sequel?

2 Alam 2?
2 Alam II?
II Alam 2?
II Alam II?

That would just be pure awesome. They sound like a bunch of policemen interacting with each other using walkie-talkies. "Bola 1 ke bola 2, over". "Roger and out". Even the way each letter is crafted possesses their own aestethical value. Mirror image or palindromic, you decide.

2. The Datuk Dr Rozmey Factor

Richard Zanuck once stated, "The producer is like the conductor of an orchestra. Maybe he can't play every instrument, but he knows what every instrument should sound like." If that's so, then Datuk Dr Rozmey is definitely one hell of a talented dude. His personality ticks every check box that is needed to be a successful film producer. 


White suit on dark background. Way to emphasize on yourself.

Datuk Dr Rozmey surely can play every instrument. He can even be the face of his own marketing strategy. Who needs expensive models when you have Datuk Dr Rozmey. No one can sport the white suit and rock it the way he did. 

A man in bow ties can hold anything pink.

And then the bow tie. Effing marvelous. As we all know, only uber-cool people would dare to use bow ties. According to the Wikipedia, bow ties originated from Croatian mercenaries of the 17th century. And we know that Croatians are super awesome. Nikola Tesla arrived in the States from Croatia before wreaking havoc among the Engineering students all around the world nowadays with his findings. The Guinness World Records for "The longest distance traveled by moonwalking" is also held by a Croatian. This just goes to show how wicked Croatia is.

3. The Thumb-ups Factor

I don't know if you guys have learned about the term "subliminal messaging" before. Basically, it works by flashing a few visual images for a few miliseconds before our brain can process them. However, Datuk Dr Rozmey upgraded this technique in order to provide us with a better and more effective way of manipulating human brains. Instead of flashing the images for a miniscule amount of time, he simply put the picture out in the papers and magazines and let the audience decide by themselves on how long are they going to stare at the picture.

By giving this flexibility factor towards the audience, we will consequently start developing a strong sense of trust towards Datuk Dr Rozmey. After finding out that we have been manipulated by Freemasonry and the Illuminati through the quickie image method for all this while, I have became more careful in what I choose to look at. Every picture is examined meticulously in order to find the possible Masonic signs. But after spending 5 days and 13 hours analyzing this picture trying to find these evil signs, I found NOTHING.


I've wasted 133 hours on this.

Except for the fact that it made me think that Datuk Dr Rozmey is an awesome person. That's when I realized. This is exactly what Datuk Dr Rozmey has planned all along. He intentionally misdirected me to look for those Illuminati related signs so that I will spend hundreds of hours looking at him giving the thumb-ups in each one of his photos. Thumb-ups mean good. Good means awesome.  

Datuk Dr Rozmey = Awesome

How did I miss that? Reverse psychology to its max. Datuk Dr Rozmey is superb indeed.

4. The Wingdings Factor

Inspired from the article about the Wingdings equivalent for the flight number of the plane that hit the World Trade Centre translates into an image of a plane hitting twin towers accompanied with the Star of David, I decided to try typing 2 Alam down into my Microsoft Office Word 2007.

 
Holy shit!

Basically this signifies that if we watch "2 Alam" (pair of glasses), we will find out that it is extremely fantastic (2 thumbs-up) and would make us extremely happy (smiley face). After watching the film, we will be able to consider ourselves as champions (cup) because only champions would want to watch this film. It is in our nature. A film made by champions for champions. We all are born to be winners. The losers can go hate all they want because they know that they can never be champions like us!

LONG LIVE 2 ALAM!!!